Saturday, December 8, 2012

Sachin Tendulkar announces retirement

Sachin Tendulkar cartoon
Oh My God..! Did I just miss 'if' at the start of the post title? Relax guys, Sachin has not announced his retirement, YET. But there are number of experts, bloggers and at random anyone who knows Cricket, is talking about the 'un-talkable' subject of Sachin Tendulkar's retirement.

Let's just imagine (again- the unimaginable), that Sachin Tendulkar has called it a day and has taken the decision to retire from Cricket. What an impact it will have all over Cricketing and non Cricketing world! How media will react to the news? What news-stories will trend all over the media? Let's look it from funny and 'LOL'ing manner.

Presenting, 'the Retirement that wasn't declared': The news spoofs about Sachin's retirement! Read the effects of this biggest retirement of century and start LOLing..!

Cricketing Effects:

Hmm... Let's start news, what Sachin's colleagues say:

Kohli, Dhoni WELCOME Sachin's retirement, stating this would give youngsters a chance.

Sachin Tendulkar announces retirement
On condition of anonymity a source in the team said that the real reason to welcome retirement is because many of Tendulkar ad brands are going to come their (Kohli/ Dhoni's) way.
See... How concerned our team icons are about new comer lads ;-)

Moving on,

Shane Warne- finally able to quit daily dose of sleeping pills

We heard he was prescribed the pills after Sachin started to appear in his dreams- hitting him all over ground nonstop for last 16 years- making it a nightmare!

Indian Test Cricket team to keep number 4 spot vacant as a mark of respect for Sachin Tendulkar!

Our well-placed sources confirmed the real reason being-- NO ONE ELSE TO REPLACE HIM..!!! Vacancy..!! Urgently Required..!!! Apply Now..!!!!

Steve Buckner to restart his umpiring career.

Says, now his umpiring can be impartial! Hmm.. True... No Tendulkar, no need to be partial with opponent team!

Further on,

Sachin to become selector, coach, remote-controlling-captain, mentor and motivator of Indian Cricket Team- OFFICIALLY

Asking how? Yes, he was in these roles 'unofficially' till now, hereon, it will be official role!! No big deal... is it??

Further in spoofs,

Ganguly is made the captain of retired Indian Cricket players (age above 37), the team beats Dhoni's team 3-0 in a "T20" domestic series.

Sachin gets man of the series award for his 3 consecutive centuries. Dhoni blames 'the turning pitches' for the defeat!!!
T20- pitches, Mr Dhoni, are you all right???

Sachin Tendulkar announces retirement13 Cricketers on ground refuse to play Cricket, as crowd INSULTED them.

Crowd stars shouting: 'Sachinnn... Sachin... dhann dhann dhann... Sachinnn... Sachin... dhann dhann dhann... Sachinnn... Sachin... dhann dhann dhann...' when they saw Sachin coming as a commentator in commentary box! Players hurt with this insult, as no one to cheer them.

(News in year 2020) Sachin's unbreakable record of 34000+ international runs and 100 centuries is finally broken, by---

combined efforts of all international batsmen after 7 years of performance in all formats of the game! ICC to facilitate all involved in the effort..!!!

Social Effects:

Sachin Tendulkar announces retirementYou can no more commit all your 'sins' as God will no more be busy watching Sachin play!

So... be a good guy/ girl that you are.. and don't commit any sins that you used to :-P

Mumbai and entire Maharashtra along with Sydney to remain shut for entire week to mourn retirement of Sachin Tendulkar.

Extended Christmas Holidays, you know! 

Bloggers, newspaper columnist, statisticians loose their jobs due to slow-down in 'market'

Yes! The most iconic, the most written about, the most talked about Cricketer is no more in action! On whom to write, talk!!! No job, sit idle :-)

Sachin's critics desperately in search of another bread and butter

Ohh.. How can you forget them! They had a very secured job for last 23 years...

Moving on,

A crazy Sachin fan names his twins as:- 1. Sachin, 2. Tendulkar.

We learned both of them are-- baby GIRLS!
Crazy fan perhaps mad too..!!!

Sudhir Kumar Chaudhary, Indian Cricket FanSudhir Kumar Chaudhary changes his appearance first time.

After... about.. many years. Yes, for the first time! You know him... He paints his body in tricolor, writes Tendulkar-10 on his back!

Further in the news,

Arjun Tendulkar files application for changing his name to:- BharatRatna

making his full name read:-- Bharatratna Sachin Tendulkar
Hmmm... Now that's a very smart kid...

Suddenly, half of grounds in India are to be named after Sachin Tendulkar, and we heard those are football and hockey grounds.. not cricket..!

How strange..!
In fact, terrible... because Cricket in India is run by full time politicians.. how can they give anything to anyone except between themselves, even names!

As soon as Sachin's retirement news broke, 5 people reportedly died out of heart attack, 13 tried to set ablaze themselves

RIP Sachin fans!

News and Media Effects:

News channel continuously ran for 96 hours to telecast, then retelecast, then again reretelecaste, then further, rerere...(347 times)...rerererererererereretelecast Sachin's retirement press conference!!

(huh...!) while newspaper were so busy editing the special edition on Sachin that they forgot to print the next day's newspaper.
I am going to cut the day's bill for cable and paper! ;-)

Arvind Kejriwal demands Sachin Tendulkar's resignation...

(from?? amm...) as Rajya Sabha MP.. (yes.. that's it). Yes... but resignation.. Why???
That is for grabbing news headlines that only meant for him...!!
Ohh hoo!! Got it??

Most interestingly, we heard

RajyaSabha TV channel breaks all TRP records.

As-- Sachin starts attending RajyaSabha. Other channels struggle to maintain minimum spectator base.

Thanks to Sachin,

Sachin Tendulkar announces retirementRajyaSabha records 100% attendance for the first time in last few decades

Everyone wanted a picture with the newly joined MP Sachin Tendulkar, to put it on flex hoarding in their constituency!

Political Effects:

In an interesting move,

A regional political party demands place for young Marathi players in Indian Cricket Team

Makes Rohit Sharma party's sports wing head and immediately replaces him with Ajinkya Rahane. Party blames Rohit's lazy and casual approach..!!!
Come on Rohit, you got to be kidding us!!

Moving on,

BJP demands Bharat-Ratna for Sachin Tendulkar.

SP, BSP to oppose, as they feel echoing BJP's demand will be seen as COMMUNAL!
Sachin Tendulkar announces retirementSachin- BharatRatna- Communal?? Great 'logicians'- these parties!

No news spoof can be complete without his man's comments--

Digvijay blames RSS for Sachin's 'early' retirement.

(Now this is a "Diggi" logic, no one can explain it)

This, probable is the most important news as of now--

China secretly manages to make a super-robot, matching Sachin's skills

This, after a research of about 15 years. And immediately sells 'donates' the technology to Pakistan. Pak, names the robot as Chin-10, to use Chin-10 versus India in next series.
Hmmm.... That brings to my creative mind a question--- Sa-Chin 10-dulkar? Any relation???

Financial Effects:

Yes, Sachin's retirement has impacted the world economics, in a good way. Let's find out:

Sachin Tendulkar announces retirementObama honors Sachin for increasing USA's efficiency by 50% for the first time in last 2 decades.

Asking why? Half of productive people working in USA are Indians, you idiot! They never worked when Sachin used to play!

And here in our home country,

India's GDP surprisingly doubles up, Congress takes all the credit, claims economic reforms successful.

BJP rubbishes the claim, stating it is only because Sachin stopped playing Cricket, resulting in increased efficiency of whole country. Gives USA's example.

Meanwhile, we have just received an input from our London correspondent, where Sachin is currently enjoying his holidays. Let's run the breaking news:


We just heard that after seeing the love of his fans, empty stands, and pressure from IPL team-owners, SACHIN TENDULKAR has decided to call off his retirement and pad up all over again...!

Let's go straight to the Live press conference!

With that, let's end the program, 'the Retirement that wasn't declared' thanks for watching. Thanks Sachin for destroying our program :-)

Image source:

(Disclaimer: Places, personalities, institutes, events mentioned here are imaginary and only meant for entertaining purpose. Any resemblance with real life places, personalities, institutes, events is completely a coincidence. These are news spoofs, I hope you take it that way, with sportive spirit. Thanks! Enjoy!)

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  1. Too Liked this black comedy..keep writing...Hope this article will not be able to reach Sachin's inbox..:P.. All the best Abhijeet

    1. Thank you Parag. Please do keep visiting and proving your feedback!

  2. Great Legendary cricketer sachin tendulkar ...